Here’s a helpful list of ways to make sure you never solve your substance use problem.

1) Believe that you are powerless over drugs and alcohol.

2) Kick things off with 90 days or more in rehab, so you can get used to being there.

3) Think of all the things that will trigger you to use drugs again, and keep an eye out for them.

4) Make a plan on how to deal with your next slip or relapse.

5) Commiserate with others about how great drugs are and how much you miss getting high.

6)¬†Don’t try to manage your life, sit back and pray to a higher power such as a doorknob, tree, or group of alcoholics to do that for you.

7) Build your entire social life around other people with substance use problems.

8) Remind yourself that you can only stay sober for one day at a time.

9) Refer to yourself as an addict or alcoholic every day for the rest of your life.

10) Believe that an incurable disease “hijacks your free will” and causes you to use drugs and alcohol.

This list obviously isn’t funny, it’s appallingly tragic.

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